My heart hurt a lot for you today, baby girl. Daddy and I went to church this morning and there were crying babies during the service...again. I don't know why this always seems to happen to us, but it is so frustrating. I actually look forward to going and just as I start to feel like I'm getting something out of the sermon, it never fails, a baby starts to whimper or cry. Dad and I flinch, visibly. I can see his body tense as I'm sure he can see mine do the same. We grasp for each other's hand and cling to one other as that lurching feeling in our stomachs passes. We both know what the other is thinking..."Why?!? Why does this keep happening...Why do we have to endure this reminder that we don't have our child...Why do these parents insist on allowing a baby to cry through the church service...Why, why, why???
It sucked, but it wasn't nearly as bad as our first Sunday there. That was brutal. The sermon was about Abraham offering his son to God as a sacrifice and there was a ton of mention of babies and children in the sermon, peppered with mysogynistic "humor." The preacher that day was a guest and our friends assured us the regular guy was much better. As if the woman-hating diatribe wasn't enough, we also had to endure intermitent crying from a baby about three rows behind us. I also remember someone behind us had a very mucousy cough and kept hacking, which was skeeving me out. As soon as the sermon ended, I looked at your dad and said, "I've got to go....now." He agreed and we high-tailed it out of there. I just did NOT understand why God gave us THAT to deal with on our FIRST Sunday back to church in YEARS!! I refused to give up, though. I thought maybe he was testing us. I don't know if God does that. A lot of people say that he would never test us to make us prove our love to him, but I don't know. Whatever was going on, I refused to give up. I needed SOMETHING to get me through losing you and the only thing that kept entering my head as a source of hope was God. Jesus and God. So, we went the following Sunday and it was AWESOME. It was just what I needed. I emailed the pastor and gave a prayer request for you, Kevin, and me. He responded and sent our prayer request out. Several people responded and said they would pray for us, one of whom was a daddy who had lost a baby in much the same way we lost you. I was so glad your daddy would have someone to talk to who really understands.
I still miss you so much, sweet baby girl. I always do. I always will. But, I'm glad I didn't give up. I'm glad I decided to go back to church and to keep praying. It does help. I always ask God to tell you I love you and I miss you and I always ask him to keep you safe. I know that's stilly; you're in Heaven, the safest, most wonderful place in existence. But, I'm your mommy and that's what mommy's do. I couldn't keep you safe when you were here with me, so I at least want to make sure you are safe in Heaven. I am so glad that you are there if you can't be with me. I'd much rather have you here, but knowing you are with Jesus, God, your grandpa, and great grandma and ALL your other relatives and friends in Heaven sometimes gives me peace. I will not lie, it doesn't always make me feel better. Sometimes I am so angry that the thought of you safe ANYWHERE where I cannot be just fuels my anger and sadness. But, for now...for today...it helps a little.
I miss you with all my being, sweet girl. Not a moment passes that I don't think of you and long for you. You were the most beautiful, darling girl I have ever laid my eyes on. I will never ever stop loving you and missing you, my sweet girl. Mommy loves you more than all the stars in the sky and all the fishes in the sea. I can't wait until I see you again, my darling angel.
Love forever and ever,
Mommy
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