It's May 1st. On April 1st I was feeling especially low. I just couldn't believe another month was starting without you, baby girl. Another month has passed and I'm still feeling the same. I didn't even realize it this morning when I hurriedly got out of bed and got ready for work, but now that I'm home and realizing the actual date, it's no surprise that I had a breakdown at work and had to come home...again.
Every morning at school, as you know, we watch the "WEMS Morning Announcements." They usually start the announcements with a tidbit from some random song. This morning the song they played was one I used to sing to you and one I had hoped we'd be able to dance around to and be silly with. To anyone else this song would seem funny and ridiculous - to most other people it is. But to me, it is one of our songs - one of our many songs - and this morning it was just too much for me to take. I thought I could take it, but halfway through the clip I jumped up from my chair, holding back my tears as best as possible, and dashed out of the room. Luckily, a colleague was in the hall and I asked her to watch my homeroom, as she doesn't have a homeroom to cover. Thank God for her. She's been there for me more times than I can count. I ran into the library, grabbed some paper towels, ran to the back room, shut the door, and just started bawling. I was shaking and crying so hard. I'm half angry at myself that such a seemingly insignificant thing could send me crashing so low so quickly. People at work must think I'm insane. Another colleague was outside the door and I know he could hear my sobs. When I composed myself and came out, he asked if he could do anything. Really? Can anyone do anything? No. I know he meant well by it, but sometimes when people ask me if there is anything they can do for me, it just makes me even more sad because there is nothing anyone can do. I am in this alone. It's a terribly isolating grief, losing a child the way we did. Not many people can understand it, and most people wish they could help, but no one really can. There's nothing anyone can do and it's so frustrating.
I went back to my room to let my colleague know what happened and she suggested that I go home. I gladly accepted that alternative to struggling through the day. I walked to the office, trying to avoid as many students as possible. I was no longer crying at this point, but didn't want anyone to see my bloodshot eyes and have any more cause to think I'm an emotional wreck. I went into my principal's office and asked for the secretary to find me a substitute; she was able to, fairly quickly - thank God. While I was in his office my principal sat down and talked to me for a while. He suggested taking a medical sabbatical for the remainder of the year, but I really don't think that's an option, as that will be four and a half more unpaid weeks. We're just not able to afford that. I'm working with my union president to get some unpaid days from now until the end of the year - probably just one day a week, as suggested by my therapist. I think that would make it easier for me to get through until the end of the year. I sincerely hope the administration is willing to extend this to me. I'll have to wait and see. As I sat in his office, my principal spoke to me as a friend, and expressed his concern about us wanting to try for another child this summer. He said he doesn't think I'm in the right frame of mind to jump into another pregnancy. Maybe I'm not. Sometimes I think I am, sometimes I wonder if it's the right thing, and sometimes I wonder how I can stand seeing all the babies and kids everywhere I go without the hope or prospect of soon being pregnant again. I just think that being pregnant again and having something to hope for will help us to move forward. I'll never replace you, Norah. I know that. But we were so excited for you. We were excited to be parents. We want that more than ever before and we got used to the idea of being a mom and dad. Your dad and I both say that we feel stagnant. It's a terrible thing, to be a parent and not have your child. It's a terrible thing to come home every day, thinking about how it should be, being stuck in the way it's always been. It's not supposed to happen, but it does, all too often. My principal voiced his concern about something happening in our next pregnancy that might cause me to become even more grief stricken. I know that's a possibility, but isn't it always? Won't I always have that fear now? It's not as though I can wait one, two, three, or more years and that fear will somehow go away. I'll never be able to go through another pregnancy with naivety, thinking that everything will go smoothly. That is a luxury that has been ripped from me now. It's not as though I'll ever really feel at ease with carrying a child. So, why would waiting longer make that any easier?
My principal went on to say that you weren't meant to stay with us. He said it just wasn't meant to be. He's the second person this week who has said this to us. It's quite infuriating to hear those words. You WERE meant to be. You were conceived, you lived inside me for 38 weeks and 4 days. You WERE MEANT TO BE, because you WERE HERE. YOU EXISTED. I think people fail to realize this. It's not as though we tried to get pregnant and were unsuccessful. I could understand someone saying it wasn't meant to be, if it didn't happen. But you DID happen. YOU LIVED. You were here with me and what WASN'T supposed to happen, did. You WEREN'T SUPPOSED TO DIE. There is no reason why you did! No doctor or anyone can explain it, so I know what happened is not the way it was supposed to be. I will never know why you aren't here with us. People can say that in the greater Plan, you were only meant to be with us for the short time we had you. People can say that God knows what He is doing, and I believe that He does, but that does not help to convince me that what happened was the way things are "supposed" to be. God loves us and does not want us to suffer. He does not cause the pain and sorrow we endure in this life. It does not sit well with me to hear that God caused this, because God wouldn't do something so awful to us. He loves us and wants us to be happy. Something else causes terrible things to happen in this world, but it isn't God who does these things, and I believe He is sad with us and sad for us, but that he is pulling for us. As long as I'm on this Earth, I'll never understand the Why of what happened. Only God knows the why and I don't feel He is at peace with it, but I do feel He wants me to learn from it and grow with Him. I'm trying so hard to do that. I'm trying so hard to trust in Him and know that He will guide me through this. Some days it is easier than others to believe that He's always with me, guiding me. Some days I'm not able to cling to him in the lighting fast moments that cut deep into my soul. This morning was one of those moments. Just as quickly as that song began to play, I felt my soul being ripped open. It was too fast for me to grasp and hold on to God. I think he understands that, though. I'm trying to do that now, and I feel as though He's helping. But, to say that you weren't supposed be is so wrong. You WERE here and you existed and you will keep living in my heart. You will always be mine and I'll never believe that you weren't meant to be.
I love you so much, baby girl. Now and forever.
Love,
Mommy
